Sunday, August 31, 2008

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

Shef developed a gross wart on one of his toes this summer. I have extensive experience with warts and their removal. So, not surprisingly, I'm obsessed with the eradication of Shef's wart. I'd like to pick at it and peel it and pour acid on it every hour of each day. Sadly, Shef won't let me near his feet unless I promise not to touch the wart or any other part of any toe.

His understandable apprehension gets in the way of the treatment plan suggested by our pediatrician: file it down with an emery board and apply Compound W daily.

I told my mom about this problem and she scoffed at the Compound W plan. "Warts come in times of stress," she said, knowingly. "All you need to do is rub the wart with a green scapular in the sign of the cross and say some prayers."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes!" she said, very sure of herself. "That's how I got rid of my warts in junior high. They were huge!" She gestured at her legs. "And then Aunt Judy's warts were cured by the faith healer, but the green scapular will do it."

Because I had my doubts about the medical plan, I decided to give the painless Catholic treatment a try. "But, I don't have a green scapular," I told her. "I only have brown."

"I'm sure that will be fine," my mom said, nodding.

"And what prayers do we say?" I asked.

"Oh, well," she said, waving her hand nonchalantly, "just try some Hail Marys."

"And how long will it take until the wart is gone?"

"Nine days," she said confidently. "And just make sure he knows it's going to work."

I'll tell you what: he's much more willing to let me touch the wart with the scapular than with the emery board. So, Our Lady of Mount Carmel, I'm counting on you!


Martha said...

And if that doesn't work, duct tape works wonders. I'll pray too!

LH said...

did you know you're supposed to wear one side in the front and the other in the back???

how the heck does that work?

p.s. telling him to pick at the wart in the bath really can help as well.

AmyRobynne said...

My BIL swears by the duct tape approach, too. And he was raised Catholic.

Tom said...

Or sometimes they mysterously disappear. I had a foot FULL of them as recently as mid-July and they're completely gone now. No Compound W. No duct tape. No scapulars. No surgical interventions. Just gone. I'll say a few prayers for the same outcome for Shef. :)