Thursday, August 31, 2006

It's Comfortable, It's Basic, But I Don't See Any Attitude

Shef’s latest thing is to be very opinionated, especially when we're in the car:

Me: I’m just really annoyed at these slow drivers.
Shef: Don’t say “slow drivers,” Mama.

Shef: I see a rainbow.
Me: Where?
Shef: Right THERE. [pointing at the windshield]
Me: What does it look like, Shef?
Shef: I don’t want to tell you about it.

Me: How was your day at school?
Shef: I don’t want to talk about it.

He's probably good practice for dealing with all those fifteen-year-olds who'll be walking in to my classroom next week.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I'll Just Put It On The Pile With The Others

Shef has been a classic two-year-old mix of hilarious and hideous again lately.

“That’s enough crying,” I told him this morning after about he'd engaged in about thirty-five minutes of wailing and moaning over his choice of breakfast foods.

“Noooo,” he whined, falling out of his chair. “Moooore crying.”

Tonight, after another interminable whining jag, during which I counted to fifty and nearly bit through the sides of my cheeks in an attempt to maintain a calm demeanor, I finally shouted, “STOP! IT!” This caused his face to crumple and my guilt-meter to read at dangerous levels. Ten minutes later when he was still a sniveling mess, I said, “Do you remember why you’re crying?”

He nodded pathetically, bottom lip protruding about two inches. “Because you yelled at me,” he whimpered.


Sunday, August 20, 2006

I Love the Fact That It Has the Joke on the Ass

Here's a tasteful, waist-up picture taken after the finish of the triathlon.

The whole thing was way fun, and I encourage you all to give the multi-sport experience a tri.

I Hate Hot Pants, But They're Really Now

On Friday night, we went to check out Dan’s celebrity crush, Natalie Maines, and her band The Dixie Chicks. Objectively speaking, Natalie is H.O.T.T. Also, what self-respecting democrat wouldn’t be thrilled to see her in person to support her dislike of GWB, as well as to admire the thickness of her eyeliner which makes her look so totally rock ‘n roll?

During a particularly hyped-up version of “Ready to Run,” I leaned over to Dan and said, “I know you love it when Natalie stomps around the stage like that.”

“Don’t worry,” he crooned, “you know you’re my number two girl.”

Friday, August 18, 2006

Would I rather look look like fat minnie mouse, or would I rather look slim and long?

Today I went shopping for my triathlon outfit, which I will need on Sunday when I make my multi-sport debut. You might not know that when you do a triathlon you wear the same thing for all three stages of the event -- the swim, the bike, and the run.

If you’re not getting a clear picture of what kind of garment most easily takes you from water to pavement, I’ll spell it out for you:

Lycra. From neck to knee.

There won’t be photos, just in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

First of All, Twiggy Is Still Alive

Dr. Jay poked around between my teeth and took a deep breath.

“Well,” he said gravely, removing his mask, “Here’s the thing: do you think you could be a better flosser?”

There’s only one answer to that question, right? Yes, Dr. Jay, yes of course I can be better. And I will! I will! I swear I will.

“Let this be your motivation:” he continued, “if you can’t be a better flosser, I’ll be drilling four teeth at this time next year.”

Gulp. That’s pressure.

To add to my stress, I’m on my way to chaperone Shef’s class fieldtrip to the ice cream shoppe. Photos later.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Marilyn Monroe Meets Gwen Stefani - Their Love Child

August 9th was a big day for us.

First, I got my first speeding ticket. I was completely humiliated and blubbered apologetically to the cop while furiously wiping away tears and snot. This display was actually not an attempt to get out of the ticket -- it turns out weeping and self-flagellation are automatic, physiological responses to getting pulled over.

Then, Shef performed in his first concert. He was too nervous to sing “Slippery Fish” without me by his side, so I accompanied him to the front and watched adoringly.

He looks good, right? I mean, so what if I was the only mother on stage.

Finally, on the eve of our fourth wedding anniversary, Dan and I sat down to spend some quality time in front of Project Runway. Heidi waltzed out in front of the designers wearing what appeared to be space-age go-go boots paired with a cleavage-revealing neo-German tunic.

“What is she wearing?” I exclaimed.

“It’s tasteful,” said Dan.

“It’s like … you can’t help staring at her boobs,” I continued, squinting at the shirt and tilting my head to the side, trying to make sense of it.

“I know, and I appreciate that,” Dan answered.


“What?” he said innocently. “She has huge cans.”

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

A Full-Tilt-Boogie-Quilted Extravaganza of Puff

My sister called me from a car the other day begging me to Tivo something called “Flavor of Love” for her, which was scheduled to air on VH1 and stars Flavor Flav, former member of Public Enemy and all-around weirdo. Mary claimed that she doesn't ordinarily watch the show, but she'd read that something over-the-top and never-seen-before was going to happen during elimination.

I was a little nervous when I saw that the title of the episode was “Somethin’s Stinkin’ in the House of Flav,” but whatever. Not only has sister racked up innumerable favors, as she is our #1 babysitter; but I figured that with my considerable experience with reality tv -- Making the Band, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Elimidate, and most recently and embarrassingly, The Girls Next Door – I’ve alredy seen the worst television has to offer.

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

On Flavor of Love, ho’s and bitches from around the country who claim to be devoted to Flav gather at his mansion, dress in skanky outfits, and try to prove that they are “really there for” the deranged has-been rapper.

And oh my god, it is so much worse than it sounds.

On last night’s episode, one contestant was so focused on Flav that she neglected her personal needs and unfortunately took a shit on the floor. I mean, as my sister pointed out, presumably she took a shit in her thong, and then it leaked out.

I really feel dirty just thinking about it.

“I’m gonna be honest,” the woman explained to Flav when he forced her to peek out from behind the bathroom door, “I just couldn’t hold it anymore. It could have happened to anyone.”

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Maybe Bonnie Doesn't Like My Beard

I woke up in a funk this morning and cranked around for awhile.

I know what you’re thinking: how can I be cranky when I have a child who looks like this?

I know! But, nevertheless, even as I took that cherub to Cupcake and to the park, I felt a little underlying crankiness poking through our idyllic urban Sunday morning. Later, I decided a run might crack the crank. Sure enough, it mostly did, even though it was hot as balls out there on the River Parkway.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Also Project Runway is Keeping Me Afloat

“It’s August,” Shef announced yesterday.

And sure enough, it is. That means the following things are lurking: school (I already had one preparatory dream), grad school (good lord, when will it end?), and my triathlon racing debut.

My friend Molly has strong opinions about the triathlon. When I told her I was up to 2400 yards in the pool, she told me that was “gross.”

“Hey, you should be happy for me!” I insisted.

“You’re right,” she sighed. “After all, your training is the only part of your summer that hasn’t completely fallen apart.”