Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Don't Know Why I Always Think It's An Okay Idea to Take Him Out In Public

Today we had this conversation within earshot of many people while we grabbed a quick dinner in a sandwich and chocolate shop that we visit weekly.

Shef: I'm getting really big.

Me: You sure are.

Shef: All of me.

Me: Yes, your whole self is getting bigger.

Shef: Every part.

Me: Yeah, even your brain.

Shef [practically shouting]: And my PRIVATES!

Monday, January 28, 2008

This Is Very Exciting

So, I have never hidden my deep love of all things pop-culture. One publication that I diligently read in order to keep up on the most important developments in this field is People, the magazine and the corresponding website, the latter of which I peruse nearly every day.

So, you can imagine my utter joy at hearing that bosom friend and successful journalist Sheila was tapped to write this delightful article on the US Skating Championships, which were played out recently right here in our fair metropolis.

I feel this almost makes me famous by association. Almost.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

The Years Start Comin' And They Don't Stop Comin'

Last week, we had a conference with Shef’s teacher. Since our almost-four-year-old just graduated to the next class, this was a farewell meeting of sorts.

Teacher Les started the conference by showing us three of Shef’s art pieces, all of which pretty much sucked. I mean, really. It’s obvious the kid couldn’t care less about painting, coloring, or pasting items in an artful manner. Coloring in the lines? Just forget about it.

“I would be worried about his fine motor skills,” said Les, “except he also did this.” He handed us a couple of sheets where Shef had traced the numbers 1-20, written out his name a few times, and circled letters representing the initial sounds of several pictures.

Art apathy was also the reason Shef got “Often” instead of “Always” on the report card measure that read, “I get involved in and attend to activities.”

He also got “Often” on “I make good use of my free time,” (duh) and “I seek only my fair share of the teacher’s attention.”

On that last one, Dan and I burst out laughing. Because obviously, we know that Shef never stops talking to or otherwise interacting with adults. Ever. Not even in his sleep.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You Know the Drill

It's guess time again. Pick a winner for this week's Runway. It appears the challenge may be something about reinventing an American iconic designer? I'm not really sure, but it's an individual challenge and Christian appears to be bugging everyone.

I'm picking Rami for the winner. Dan is picking Jillian. And as you know, Dan knows fashion.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Up Three Cup Sizes And Only Just Over Half-Way There

I started feeling completely wiped out after church, and then I spent the rest of the day wrapped in fleece and whining about my condition.

After I’d already whined about every other possible thing, I started in on my uncomfortable size-E nursing holsters, which I’ve lately resorted to wearing again after a three-year hiatus.

“This size-E bra is very uncomfortable,” I moaned.

“Why don’t you buy a better one?” Dan suggested.

“I don’t think there’s any comfortable size-E bra.”

“There’s gotta be,” Dan insisted. “What do the porn stars wear?”

I'll Let You Whip Me If I Misbehave

Yesterday, I run-walked my eleven-minutes-per-mile ass around the track at the Y for a bit. While I did it, I listened to the “running” playlist on my iPod, which I’ll admit was a bit of a stretch.

There’s something just not-quite-right about blasting “SexyBack” while simultaneously peeing my pants a little bit on every lap.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Last Night, We Went To A Prairie Home Companion. A Minnesota Tradition.

First, Dan came into our bedroom, smugly snatched the fleece vest of his I’ve been wearing off the rug, and whipped it back on his body while looking at me disapprovingly.

“Wow,” I said. “I hope you’re feeling good about yourself. Chastising me for wearing your clothes, which I’ve been doing or OBVIOUS reasons.”

He said, “But you always wear this.” Still I could tell he was starting to break a bit.

“Well, now it’s different. So thanks for pointing out just how large I am.”

That worked. He felt bad.

Then, I started taking the sheets off the bed, as I do most every week, to put them in the washer.

“What are you doing??” he gasped, exhibiting the amount of shock that would be appropriate should I have taken out a hypodermic and suddenly injected myself with heroin.

“I’m washing them! These have been on the bed for TWO WEEKS, not that you would ever notice something like that.”

He laughed. I laughed. And then I realized that the reason we all need to wear fleece vests is that it’s fourteen degrees-below-zero outside today. And fifty-six degrees inside our family room.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I'm Not Fully Fierce Right Now

We are watching American Idol for the first time ever. So far, we’re concerned about the weirdness of the would-be contestants. Many of them have some questionable faculties and, in some cases, perhaps full-blown, untreated mental illnesses.

I’m not sure there will be an Idol fantasy game on this website.

Of course, there is a Runway fantasy game, and I need your guesses for tomorrow’s show. The next three losers and one winner for tomorrow’s show, okay?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Just Desserts

My mom sometimes tell stories about how chatty and extroverted I was as a child. I guess it was striking, especially as compared to my brother’s disposition – he is a classic introvert, able to go hours and hours without engaging in a single bit of conversation with any other human being. Just sitting there, maybe petting the dog or watching tv, never opening his mouth to utter a syllable.

To stave off fights, my mom used to let us each choose what the family would do for alternating five-minute intervals in the mini-van. I would inevitably fill my time with singing and chatting and merry interactivity.

When Kevin’s turn came around, he would say, “For my time, I want QUIET.”

Apparently, I could abide his request for a maximum of sixty seconds before loudly protesting, complaining of unfairness, and begging for a game, a song, a novel topic of conversation.

I’m now feeling quite a lot of empathy for my family, as Shef hasn’t stopped talking all weekend. It’s been a never-ending stream of knock-knock jokes, pleas to play pretend, a knight fight, a flashlight, a piece of cheese, a super-hero costume, flashcards, crayons, a workbook featuring lower-case letters, play-doh, a game of catch, a bowl of water and wisk, a 64-page story.

I’m not kidding.

This is the first quiet moment we’ve experienced in 48 hours.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sonographic Evidence Shows That The New Baby Will Be A Boy

I graded so many pro-con research papers yesterday that by three o’clock, poorly-formatted works-cited entries were blurring together and conjunctive adverbs appeared on the backs of my eyelids when I rubbed my temples and practiced yogic breathing during my breaks.

This year, there were some excellent offerings from the sophs on topics like alternative energy sources, programs to help the homeless, and illegal file-sharing.

There were also some spectacularly unsuccessful submissions on topics I’d already strongly cautioned against.

“You cannot write about whether abortion is right or wrong,” I said over and over. “If you’re very attached to writing about abortion, you have to choose a more specific sub-topic, like parental consent laws for minors or the effectiveness of abstinence education.”

The sophs indicated their comprehension, but I’m pretty sure the author of the paper titled, “Abortion: Is It Always Murder?” failed to understand the nuances of the assignment.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Weight of My Chest Is Becoming Oppressive. It's All I Can Think About.

I made this large and complicated marble track:

Don't even pretend not to be impressed. This is a very sophisticated work.

And, don't forget, tomorrow's Wednesday. I need your guess for the winner of this week's PR. Post it below and don't delay.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

You Broke The Boy In Me, But You Won't Break The Man

We had an hour to kill in the Foothills Mall before Juno started the other night. I suggested sitting down and getting a drink like water, maybe with bubbles, and tending my aching ligaments. Dan suggested video games.

“Okay,” I said, “we can do DDR.”

“What’s that?” Dan asked.

“You know,” I said, “Dance Dance Revolution, [duh].”

He snorted. “You can’t even walk,” came the retort.

I was mildly offended, but I did recognize the truth in the statement.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

We Saw Juno Last Night. I Enjoyed It.

PR people: tonight is a new show! Please post your guess for this week's winner. I will not be able to watch the show or update the scoring until Friday.

Please try not to tell me what happens on tonight's runway.

Thanks a lot and happy new year.