Monday, March 30, 2009

Just a Man and His Will to Survive

On his birthday, Dan and I gave Shef the good news we'd purchased a Wii plus Guitar Hero in celebration of our big birthday week.

The kid was thrilled and couldn't wait to play it when we got home from vacation.

Dan and I totally capitalized on this anticipation, and for three days in Vail, I told Shef I was going to "beat the pants off of him" in Guitar Hero.

Naturally, he thought that expression was hilarious, but in retrospect it was probably a mistake to break it out:

"I'm going to beat your butt off as soon as we get home, Mom," he said as we walked into the airport.

That was slightly embarrassing, but not as much as many of the other things that kid has said in public.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Jiggity Jog

We'll be headed back to Minnesota in a couple of hours. We had a terrific vacation in Vail with Dan's family. Dan and I especially enjoyed saying, "schuss-booming."

"Shall we schuss?"

"I do love to schuss-boom."

"That was some very impressive schuss-booming."

"Schussing through powder is especially invigorating!"

You get the idea.

Shef is now officially five, I'm now 31, and Dan will be 35 tomorrow. I do feel a bit older this year, to tell the truth. I suspect it has something to do with my ongoing experiment with sleep deprivation. I think and hope that when I do start sleeping through the night, say in about four (three-and-a-half?) more years, I will suddenly become a towering genius with limitless intellectual prowess.

I can't wait until that happens.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Little Bit Is Never Enough

Shef's in a knock-knock joke phase. Dan worked with him on this one for 30 minutes the other morning:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow

As you can imagine, hilarity ensues EVERY TIME!

So, last night at dinner, we pulled out a book of knock-knocks I think I purchased at a book fair one time. Neither Dan nor I felt the tome lived up to it's title, The Best Knock-Knock Book Ever.

Like, this one is in the book:

Who's there?
Tobias who?
Tobias you need a lot of money.

What? To buy ass? And this is for KIDS?

And similarly:

Rubber who?
Rubber the wrong way and she'll smack you.

Innuendo AND violence?!

Anyway, because the jokes were so bad and because I'm generally sleep deprived, I was weak from laughing by the end of the meal. I couldn't even decipher the text. For example, I told this joke:

Nestor who?
Nestor lives in my neighborhood.

"That doesn't even make sense!" I said, snorting.

"Are you sure you read it right?" asked Dan, grabbing for the book.

It turns out I hadn't read it right. I was, "Nestor lives my neighbor." But that's still not very funny.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Yo Baby, Check It Out

If Mac looks about the same to you in this month's Ugly photo, it's because he's hardly grown at all in the last three months. At yesterday's doctor's appointment, we discovered he's gained thirteen ounces and grown just a quarter of an inch since December. He's been wearing the same clothes since Thanksgiving.

And this? This is really shocking: he's only in the 45th percentile for weight! Only the 50th for height!

"He's TINY!" I exclaimed to Dr. G. when she entered the exam room.

"Well," she said, eyeing big brother Shef, "he's not mega baby."

Fair enough.

Still, we're pleased with this new kid's progress. He's got a bunch of new tricks, remains utterly sweet and adorable, and is constantly moving - pulling up, cruising, and walking along behind push toys and chairs. I think that has something to do with the lack of weight gain. The lack of height gain is slightly perplexing, and Dr. G. and I both suspected an inaccurate measurement at the December appointment.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Cheese Is Just So, So Good

I started eating items containing dairy ingredients last Sunday, and so far I haven't noticed any problems.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I would have been convinced that writing that last sentence on the internet would guarantee that dairy problems would commence immediately on publication.

But, after months of therapy (Me: I really do think that Barack Obama will win the election, but I'm worried that if I say that out loud, then he won't win. Therapist: Yes. Because you really do have SO MUCH POWER.), I'm ready to accept that my reporting the results of dairy trials actually has no effect on Mac's allergies.

So, I'm officially hopeful. I had cream in my decaf tonight, and it tasted completely delicious. I'm thinking of ordering pizza on Saturday night.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

They Print My Message In The Saturday Sun

I've always enjoyed having the teacher identity - being in a helping profession, getting to know all kinds of terrific kids, talking about literature and writing, and of course, collecting entertaining anecdotes for dinner parties.

Like this one time when I was a student teacher in seventh grade English, a kid named Carl got under his desk and wouldn't come out. When he was down there on the floor, he kept yelling, "Piss fuck! Piss fuck! Piss fuck!"

And another time, when I was passing out a new novel to my tenth-graders, this kid Brendon said, "Why do we have to read all this stupid shit?"

And so, because I'm no longer sure how to answer those tough questions, I'm officially taking a break from teaching.

Will people swear at me when I write stuff for them? Only time will tell.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Groove IS in the Heart

Last night we went to Disney on Ice courtesy of the chartered jet people that Dan's dad's company uses.

Thanks, Dobby and Corporate Plane Company!

First, Dan and Shef got to skate on the Disney on Ice Stage with the woman who plays Dori from Nemo. Then, we had dinner and got our pictures taken with Minnie and Mickey. During this phase, Shef got to choose some Disney merchandise. He chose the "Disney On Ice Sword." It's a plastic sheath and sword not specifically associated with any particular Disney production. Sweet! He and another kid immediately started dueling in the Hospitality Suite where coconut shrimp was served in the buffet.

Finally, we got to sit rink-side for the show. Sitting rink-side was pretty exciting. The skaters came right up to wave at us. Some expected high-fives or handshakes.

That part was slightly awkward, actually. It was like, okay Man in the Too-Tight Simba Costume, I enjoyed your soulful skate to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." Congratulations, and now... I'd appreciate it if you and your package would please move along.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bald is the New Faux Hawk

I'm supposed to do a dairy trial sometime in the next week. I'm going to eat something containing a dairy ingredient, and then see what happens to Mac.

Naturally, I've been obsessing about what I should try. It'll be my first deliberate dairy consumption in over six months, and maybe my last for another three; so the importance of this decision cannot be overstated.

I think I might go with The Fabulous Fudge Bar at Bread and Chocolate in St. Paul. I love that particular baked good, and there is surely dairy in it.

I think I might eat it tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Stay Gold, Ponyboy. Stay Gold.

Most every weekend in February was spoken for, and the ones that weren't were overtaken by the pestilence.

There were also three short weeks of school in a row for Shef, two planned and one caused by the aforementioned pestilence.

As a result, I veered off of the FlyLady system of home management, and we were briefly engulfed by CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).

I have also suffered from WBGIAOOMSS (Winter Better Get Its Ass Out Of My Sh*$ Syndrome). I find this to be a paralyzing, yet untreatable condition that causes increased use of profanity and a lack of desire to live.

I mean, I DO want to live. But I want to live in Santa Barbara. I've heard it's nice there.