Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Truth

This is actually a pretty good photo of me from today. I'm 35.5 weeks, and wow -- I did not have a belly sticking that far out with Shef.

What I did have with Shef, though, was a much bigger everything else, including arms, legs, butt, boobs, and face.

Overall, despite the many, many belly-related comments I've received (new favorite: "Looking larger than ever!"), I'm pretty okay with how things are turning out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Kyrie Eleison Through the Darkness of the Night

Dr. G. suggested at Shef’s four-year visit that we start paying him to sleep through the night.

I was skeptical that this would work because so far, in four years, nothing has worked.

But we started trying it anyway about three weeks ago because, why not? And sure enough it does work.

God bless you, Dr. G.

Every time we go to Target, I march the kid through the car aisle, so he can see the Hot Wheels accessories he might buy if he sleeps enough nights. Then, I remind him of these things as I’m tucking him in at night.

“I’m gonna get a quarter,” he usually says.

Yes, we did raise the daily pay to twenty-five cents from ten, which was what Dr. G. originally suggested. Dan wrote about other key factors of implementation here.

And so this is the irony: this sleeping boon comes at a time when I have to pee at least four times per night.

Also, let’s not forget we’ll be starting over with another baby in about five weeks.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Email to Blockbuster Total Access Customer Support

Hi -

I'm wondering if I could please have an additional mailer sent to me. My husband destroyed the mailer we have and then claimed you must have used some kind of "emulsified apoxy resin" on the adhesive that he was not supposed to try to remove.

I would very much like to return Disc Three of Season Three of The Office ASAP.

Kathleen W.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Hot Mess

It will come to no surprise to any of you that I always try to look my best for my darling husband. Like, I comb my hair, apply concealer to my under-eye circles, wear attractive lounge wear, and bathe. I also try to impress him with my ingenuity, which is quite difficult to do, seeing as he can beat me easily at Scrabble and is better at Sudoku.

My efforts, though. The fact I TRY. That's what's really important.

I think I was especially successful last night, which is why he ran for the camera when I used my huge belly as a snack tray WHILE wearing a totally chic t-shirt. So CLEVER!

And obviously, so incredibly good looking.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Molten Hot Lava Bomb To-NITE!

We met with Emme, my birth doula today. She's a very calm person who has attended more than four hundred births.

"I think you're going to have a relatively fast and uncomplicated labor," she pronounced, citing several factors from my experience with Shef as evidence.

She also said that Shef "wasn't THAT big" at nine pounds and fourteen ounces. "That's still a baby," she told me knowledgeably.

I really like this woman, it goes without saying.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Rachel and Jim Got Engaged. Congratulations, Friends!

My school building is having temperature control issues, and I spent the majority of the day fanning myself with a copy of Night and making sarcastic remarks to the students. Really, they should know better than to antagonize a woman in my condition. It was so hot my hands and feet swelled to record sizes, and all I could say to Rachel between classes was, “I’m hot.” Over and over again.

While I passed out a quiz to my fifth hour, a girl in the front noted, “Wow, you’re getting bigger.”

“Yes,” I said. And then, I went back to my desk and recommenced the fanning.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I Know I'm Not Helping Myself By Wearing Horizontal Stripes

A special ed. staffer whom I’ve never really spoken with before decided to voice her opinion on my size on Monday. We were washing our hands next to each other in the bathroom, so apparently there was a natural opening.

“When are you due?” she asked.

“Oh,” I said warily, “not until the end of May.”

“Goodness!” she exclaimed, clearly shocked. “And you’re carrying just ONE baby?!”

“Mmm hmmm,” I said politely, smiling tightly and grabbing a towel.

People: I have a mirror, so I know what's happening to me. Also, I totally know that my hands and feet have started swelling uncontrollably, and now only two pairs of my shoes fit me. I think the ending here could be a little rough.

Friday, April 11, 2008

"Wow! Look At You!"

All of a sudden, in the last three days, well-meaning people have started commenting frequently on my size; which, by the way, is much less remarkable than it was when I was pregnant with Shef.

First came the comment from the school secretary: “And were you THIS large with your first child?!”

Then the librarian: “Wow! You’re getting big! I mean, in a good way! It's good!”

Then, I had this exchange with the psychology teacher as we passed each other in the hallway: “You must be counting down the days!”

Me: “No, I actually have seven weeks left.”

PT: “REALLY?! Are you KIDDING?!”

Me: “Nope!”

PT: “Oh. Well.” Pause. “Youlookgreat.”

And finally tonight, Dan’s very lovely aunt, whom I’ve always liked a lot: “Hi, Tubby!”

Me: “Did you just call me ‘Tubby’?”

Aunt: “Yeah! You know. As a nice thing!”

And then she patted my back fat.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I Play Along With the Charade

When we were on vacation, I developed a little tickle in my throat and a bit of a phlegm issue. On our last night, I woke up in the wee hours coughing unpleasantly. On my way to the bathroom, a trip which required an awkward slither off the end of the bed, a large chunk of loogie flew out of my mouth. This was totally beyond my control, and yes, super gross.

Anyway, it was dark, and I wasn’t sure where it landed except that it was somewhere in Dan’s dirty clothes pile. Finding it right then would have required turning on the lights and waking everyone up.

I’ll find the loogie in the morning, I thought to myself.

Well, of course, I completely forgot to find it in the morning. I forgot all about it until Dan called me into the bedroom with a horrified wail: “KC?! Do you KNOW anything about this?”

He was holding up his loogied ski pants and trying not to gag.

All I could do was laugh, really. Laugh and plead with him not to tell anyone about what I had done. He said he wouldn't, but he was very clearly horrified.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Make It Work

We’re back from our terrific vacation. It was super-fun. Still, I’m feeling mostly okay about being home. It was nice to get back to my Sleep Number last night. The biggest hang-up is the need to return to work tomorrow.

Here’s a photo from the trip taken by Dobby. It’s Shef and Dan checking out the snowman Shef had made earlier in the day with his ski school class. He’s a mountain skier who rides high-speed chairlifts now, which kind of freaks me out.