I've neglected my health now for a couple of years (with the exception, of course, of handling the skinny poop). Now, however, as of this very day, I've finally achieved my routine physical. As I waited on the exam table, I felt simultaneously guilty and accomplished

At one point during the appointment, my doctor said, "This is odd - I ordered these labs on you two years ago, but..."

"But," I broke in, filled with shame, "I didn't do the labs because I was in a rush to go back to work, and then I just never came back."

The doctor nodded sagely. "I have two little kids," she said.

Phew.

"Today, though," I told her, "I've arranged to stay until I'm all done in the lab. It's all getting finished on the same day."

She seemed appropriately proud of me.

I will now tell you what I learned:

• I have low cholesterol, except for the good kind.
• I do not appear to have diabetes.
• My thyroid seems to be functioning well.
• I'm probably not, at this time, dying of cancer. I explained several symptoms which could possibly indicate imminent death. The expert, however, felt certain that these did not if fact warrant any diagnosis beyond anxiety, which we're monitoring with a wait-and-see approach.