I have avoided checking my school email this summer, but today I logged in.

I logged in, and I downloaded the superintendent’s e-newsletter for July, which included information about the "Wellness Policy." Apparently this document mandates that carbonated beverages will no longer be available for purchase anywhere on school property.

Anywhere.

Including the staff lounges.

Blink.

Blink.

WHAT?!.

Do they have any idea what will happen to the quality of my English instruction after fourth hour if an emergency Diet Coke is beyond the realm of possibility?

How does the "Wellness" Policy think we survive in a building with fifteen-hundred teenagers every day?

And what are their plans for dealing with the increased need for mental health counseling due to sixth-hour nervous breakdowns?