Dan and I are embarking on a new budgeting plan now that we're becoming a one-income family. The plan includes a weekly discretionary spending allowance for each of us. This week, though, we don't get any allowance because of the money sucking endeavor known as Having a Baby.

They charge for that. Did you know? They even charge for anesthesia that you weren't planning on using.

So, I know how this is going to sound, but clearly the major problem this week is that we have no alcoholic beverages in the house. No gin and tonics. No glasses of wine. No relief from the hours between 6pm to 10pm. Only intermittent screaming. And NO ALCOHOL.

The prospect is bleak.

Luckily, Dan had a brainstorm. "I know!" he said, looking smug. "I'm cashing in my change." He has a giant canister on his nightstand filled to the brim with coins he's emptied from his pockets over the last five-ish years.

"Awesome!" I said, thrilled with this idea. "It's half mine!"

He looked dumbfounded. "No, it's not," he insisted. "It's mine. I saved it."

"That change comes from dollars that you withdrew from our joint account," I pointed out. "It's half mine."

"But you spent yours."

"I use my change, and therefore, I withdraw less cash from the ATM. Your change is half mine."

I won this one, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be purchasing some cheap-ass boxed chardonnay for my drinking pleasure, and I won't be sharing.

Last night I watched Die Hard with Dan because he claimed it was, like, his favorite movie of all time.

Afterwards, I decided I enjoyed it as much as the James Bond franchise. However, it wasn't as satisfying as Bourne movies, which of course star Matt Damon, who is officially People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

“So it makes your top ten,” Dan said, back to Bruce Willis.

“Well, it beats out Pitch Black for sure," I conceded. Pitch Black is a truly repugnant offering of the supernatural-horror-thriller-action variety.

And, believe it or not, watching that Vin Diesel vehicle was the high point of what was an exceptionally terrible evening back in 2000, an evening which included dinner at Hooters.

“Come on,” Dan said, “That was a great date. If you can think of a greater date than Hooters and Pitch Black, I’d like to hear it.”

And then I threw up in the sink due to an unfortunate combination of nausea and too much laughter.

Me: I just wish I had less gas.

Dan: Yeah. I've been wishing that for years.

On progress of religious education:

Me: What did you learn today in Church School?
Shef [hands me a picture of Noah's Ark he's "colored"]: A ship.
Me: What kind of ship is it?
Shef: It's an animal ship, [duh].


On not getting ass-kicked by beginning of school year:

Me [upon entering school building]: Hi.
Rach: Hi, Kace. Wow. You look like a wreck.
Me: I'm even wearing my eye-brightener.
Rach: God. Sorry.


On maintaining a happy, peaceful marriage:

Dan: I can't believe you told your friend that "Remarkably, [I] am the least nerdy of all my high school friends."
Me: I didn't mean it like that.
Dan: What did you mean? That I am so nerdy it would be impossible to find a whole group of nerdier people?
Me: Well.
Dan: REMARKABLY?
Me: Tell me this: What shoes are you planning on wearing to your reunion? Go put your shoes on, and then we'll talk about nerdy.
Dan [returning wearing woolen, open-backed clogs. Planning to wear these to swank bar for fancy school reunion]: What? [indignant] These are cool!