On progress of religious education:

Me: What did you learn today in Church School?
Shef [hands me a picture of Noah's Ark he's "colored"]: A ship.
Me: What kind of ship is it?
Shef: It's an animal ship, [duh].


On not getting ass-kicked by beginning of school year:

Me [upon entering school building]: Hi.
Rach: Hi, Kace. Wow. You look like a wreck.
Me: I'm even wearing my eye-brightener.
Rach: God. Sorry.


On maintaining a happy, peaceful marriage:

Dan: I can't believe you told your friend that "Remarkably, [I] am the least nerdy of all my high school friends."
Me: I didn't mean it like that.
Dan: What did you mean? That I am so nerdy it would be impossible to find a whole group of nerdier people?
Me: Well.
Dan: REMARKABLY?
Me: Tell me this: What shoes are you planning on wearing to your reunion? Go put your shoes on, and then we'll talk about nerdy.
Dan [returning wearing woolen, open-backed clogs. Planning to wear these to swank bar for fancy school reunion]: What? [indignant] These are cool!