Adventure was a harder theme than I imagined it would be, but I'm determined to post seven entries because that's the arbitrary target I set for myself, and I'm nothing if not rigid.

My adventure today is sort of pedestrian, but I think people are going to want to know about it. I've ventured into the wide world of canned alcoholic beverages. I'm talking the aluminum cans of bubbly rosé you might have seen at the liquor store check out. I'm also talking about the single-serve pre-mixed cocktails in adorable little, fruit-cocktail sized packages.

These handy beverages seems a little spendy for a single serving (like 6 dollars, either for the 8 oz can or the teeny cocktail can), but also the whole concept is brilliant. Who needs two old fashioneds? On a weeknight? While watching Bachelor in Paradise?

No one, that's who. But many people need just the one old fashioned. They need it with no mixing required, poured over ice and crafted with, like, what I'm sure are bespoke ingredients.

Speaking of Bachelor in Paradise, I'd be remiss if I didn't say it's the best season ever. The contestants have thrown themselves into boundless adventure, and I salute them and their public and often-flighty and seemingly shallow quest for love. A canned cheers to those adventurers! I haven't missed a single episode, and I won't.

Television: After a long and frustrating search, Dan and I have landed on The Americans as our new joint show. I think we can all agree that The Americans is superior to the Bachelor Franchise, which has, unfortunately, provided most of our entertainment in the last several years.

Last night while we watched the first three episodes of The Americans, in which the leads are married KGB agents, we started suspecting one another of being spies. While it's still possible that Dan is a spy, he did finally come around to the realization that while I have many gifts, I'm not really suited to covert operations. The reasons include the fact I already work at two verified jobs, I go to sleep between 9 and 10 every night, and most damning, I can only understand people with midwestern accents. I'm not proud of this last fact, but it's undeniable.

Books: Yesterday, I finished a round of developmental edits on my first book and sent them back to my editor. Although I did beef up the arc of a teenaged character in a satisfying way, there wasn't a whole ton to do this time, I think because of the Massive Rewrite of the Summer of 2018. That rewrite was incredibly painful, but many times I've been grateful that I did it. I was grateful once again yesterday while I danced maniacally around my living room, celebrating "The End" for yet another time. We're close to the last "The End" now, and I can't believe it.

Daylight Savings Time: I've never been a huge fan of this day or program; however, I will persevere. It's better now that the children are older and unaffected. Yes, I'm disappointed that I have one fewer hour in which to finish my lesson plans. I could try to stay up later, but it turns out I'm quite rigid on bedtime. As I mentioned before, that limits my potential as a spy. On reflection, I'm realizing it might limit my potential in other areas, as well.

Part One:
You know, there are really important things going on in the world. I'm thinking and reading about the things nonstop, and yet, I watched Bachelor in Paradise for 2 hours last night.

And, to make things even worse, it's only because my DVR was not properly programmed that I won't be watching two more hours tonight. And darn it, I'm kind of disappointed to miss Carly and Evan's wedding! They met on Paradise another time, made out a lot on national television, and have now wed in front of this year's Paradise contestants, who've undoubtedly wished them well.

I might actually watch the episode when it pops up on-demand at some point. It's a terrible decision and a horrible waste of time.

And yet.

Part Two:
I'm thinking about lowering my book reading quota for next year. My problem is that if I say I'm going to do something, I have to do it. For each of the last four years, I've said I would read 52 books, and now there's no way around it. It's fine because I'm currently six books ahead of schedule, a situation I engineered to account for the coming storm of back-to-school.

So, things are good in the book department, but what about the New Yorkers that I keep recycling before reading them? What about the many, many news articles I have to read to keep up with the doings of our completely insane and Nazi-apologist president? What about the New York Times Book Review?

What about Bachelor in Paradise?

• It's easier to concentrate on craft - careful research, dynamite word choice, and creative plotting, in the case of the three titles I listed above - when you're not swept up by the story.  All of these writers are seriously skilled, and I could see what they were doing, even on the first pass.
• I can connect with more readers, readers who might not like literary thrillers, contemporary fiction, and memoir.  Some of these readers are also my students, and obviously, it's super important to connect with them.  
• I like to know things and be smart. Even if a book isn't for me, I find that after I read it, I generally have learned something, either from the reading itself or from obsessively googling the subject, the author, the reviews, and/or the creative process employed in writing it.  Then (and, ok, I'm not so proud of  this next part) I flaunt this new knowledge.  It's one of the joys and pitfalls of being a life-long learner.

• To be frank, I started noticing a problem with my poop about a month ago.  Here's the issue: it's skinny.  When confessing this dilemma to two friends, they both immediately asked, "How skinny?"  My answer: Crayola marker or skinnier. "Is it a weird color?" one friend asked.  No. Don't be gross.
• Naturally, I spent hours googling "skinny poop."  Turns out this is a common search query. All of the major medical websites have the same thing to say about slender anal emissions: Cancer. Misery. Imminent Death.  Or, only slightly more appealing, a colostomy bag.
• I kept my diagnosis in the back of my mind along with fears of fiery car wreck and falls from multi-story heights.  The cancer was probably already at Stage IV, but...
• I didn't call the doctor right away because I thought maybe it would magically resolve with Miralax.  Miralax reduced the amount of straining required to pass the skinny poop, but it didn't make it fatter.
• When I did call the clinic - bringing myself one step closer to the devastating news - it turned out my doctor wasn't available for several weeks.  "But," said the receptionist, "I think I'm going to transfer you to the nurse."  Skinny poop, it turned out, had triggered an A1 alarm.
• The nurse asked some questions about the stool and about my butt, which I answered truthfully and with endearing humor.  Finally, because my symptoms sound like cancer, she said, "You need to be seen sooner.  Do you prefer a female doctor?"  "I don't really care," I said.  She assigned me an appointment for the next morning at 8 with an "awesome" physician's assistant named Richard.  "So what you're saying," I confirmed, "is that you would show Richard your butt?"  She burst out laughing.  "He's really great," she assured me.
• Bright and early yesterday, I texted my sister Mary from the waiting room at the clinic.  "I have skinny poop," I told her.  "What?!" she responded.  "Is that a typo?!"
• The medical assistant had sort of the same reaction.  "Excuse me?" she said.  "My poop," I clarified, holding up my thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, "is skinny."  We looked at each other for a beat, and then we guffawed.  "I'm happy to help you start your day with a laugh," I said, weakly.  "Yeah," she said, wiping her brow, "thank you for that."  "But you are a medical professional," I reminded her.  "I know," she giggled.  "I'm laughing with you, not at you."  She told me that Richard the PA was being assisted by a student who would be right in.
• The student, a young man of about 27,  appeared to be straight from the set of The Bachelor. Handsome, smiley, and sensitive.  "I'd like to help you make your poop fatter," he said, winningly. Oh, Jesus.
• Of course I required a close examination by Richard and his student.  Since they're both men and I'm a woman, they invited another student to also watch.  "Is that okay?" Richard asked. "We need a woman in here anyway." "I'm a teacher," I said, "and I've had two babies.  So, yes, you can all see my butt."  Ha ha HA.
• "Have you had an anoscopy before?" Richard asked.  "No," I said, "but it sounds great!"  
• I'll skip the details here except to tell you that the procedure involved a tube and a speculum. And then all three medical professionals peering into my butt.  Here are some key quotations from this segment of the appointment:  "See that? Yep! Turn counter clockwise."  "Oh! Purple!" and "Look how bulbous!"  That last one was the real highlight of the anoscopy for me.
• Finally, the good news: I'm not dying right this second.  The bad news, I think you may have guessed.  It's internal hemorrhoids.  Bulbous ones.  Just what I needed.  

In my quest to become a very serious and effective blogger (ahem, subscribe to my new and fabulous email list), I've done some research about what people like to read on Word Savvy.  It turns out people like it when I've got a challenge or theme going.  Thank God.  Because the true story is that I turn to a challenge or a theme when I can't figure out what the heck to write.

In April, then, I think I'm going to do lists.  I don't even know what all the lists are going to be, but today's is 3 Podcasts For Readers, Creatives, and Cult Followers.  Yay!

1. This is my favorite podcast that I recommend to all people.  It's the Inside the New York Times Book Review Podcast. What happens is that the host interviews authors and/or reviewers of recently published books. Even if you don't want to read the book, you might find yourself happy to know about the Spanish Civil War, public shaming on the internet, or a new thriller co-written by two established writers.  Later in the show, you get an update from the NYT publishing beat reporter and the best-sellers column writer.  The whole thing is basically the best, and it comes out on Thursdays. Many times, I throw little anecdotes from the podcast into my lesson plans and/or my effervescent cocktail party conversation, by which I mean my chats with Dan while I sit around in my sweatpants and maybe live-tweet The Bachelor.
2. My sibling-in-law Galen recommended First Day Back to me at Christmastime, and then, because she is #sosmart and #sopretty, I binge listened.  This story of motherhood and return-to-work hits home.  As with all great first-person listens, I just liked the host, Tally, a lot.  Even if you're not at the stage of motherhood when you have to agonize about how and/or when to go back to work, she unfolds a compelling narrative, detailing her desire and attempt to make something great - a documentary film about a very awesome festival.  I'm getting a little nervous that Tally's not going to put out a season two, but I have no basis for that worry.  Sadly, engaging in unnecessary worry is a sort of a hobby of mine.
3. Last, can we please just talk about The West Wing Weekly?! It's Will Bailey and his pal Hrishi recapping every episode of the show from the beginning.  I just can't even.  Every Wednesday will now be my favorite day.  Here's a gif of Will Bailey doing something that I would absolutely do. 

via GIPHY

I hope you've enjoyed this list.  More list tomorrow or the next day, I'm pretty sure.

We've come to the end of the Better Living Through Criticism blogging challenge.  This professional critic declares it a success.

Now, on the heels of a busy month of scintillating reviews, I've decided to start another new blog feature, which is the Quarterly Review.  It's going to be a series of little lists, and I know everyone will enjoy them.  I aim to do them at the end of March, June, September, and December.

Here we go:

The Three Best Books I Read in the First Quarter: 

• The Thing About Jellyfish by Ali Benjamin. A middle grade novel certain to captivate. Sweet, emotional, heartfelt, and convincing.
• Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. A Harry Potter nerd's paradise. Sisters, first love, coming-of-age.
• The Martian by Andrew Weir. Super sciencey, but also hilarious and suspenseful. A total package. And the movie stars my celebrity boyfriend, Matt Damon.

• 2016 NBA Slam Dunk Contest - Aaron Gordon vs. Zach LeVine.  Okay, although I don't personally recommend this video, I will say that now that I've been forced to watch it (that's what you get for asking for help from your children when you blog), I can tell you that some of the dunks are truly remarkable.
• 2016 College Lacrosse Promo.  Shef is obsessed with lacrosse.  I'm not, though.
• Giant Basketball Arcade Battle - Dude Perfect.  These are some dudes who do competitions with each other.  This time, they do skee-ball with a baskeball on a giant ramp.  It's kind of dumb, but oddly hypnotic.

Three Blog Posts by Other People that Really Rocked It:

• Requiem for a Crock Pot Dish by Pronto Pup. Features the usual humor, but also with a hilarious dash of failure. This is the only recipe Pronto has featured that resulted in a trip out for dinner.
• Sankalpa 4 by Leeway. Something about The Bachelor contestants living a wide awake life really makes me laugh.  Also, it makes me laugh that Lee talks about texting her husband while competing on The Bachelor.  This reminds me of how Dan and I discuss how our hometown dates would be really fun: "I really hope Krystal likes my wife and kids. If she doesn't, it could be a real deal breaker."
• New Yorker! by Rachel. My sister has really excelled at being a new blogger.  This entry about changing the address of her New Yorker subscription is spot on.

In theater... It's the middle school play today.  Shef takes the stage as Inspector Washington at Ellis Island in 1907.  I've seen some of the dance moves here at home, and it appears the kid is a natural.  I'll watch it twice - once with the middle schoolers and once in the evening - and then I have to take my star to the cast party at 10:30. PM. And wait for him there until 11:45. PM!  Will it be rude to retire to my car and listen to an audio book rather than socialize with the other play parents? I mean, probably.

In books... one of my advisees told me she'd spent weekend reading a book that is "a cross between The Hunger Games and The Bachelor."  I stared at her.  "Bring that book to me," I commanded.  She did. It's exactly what she says, and it's called The Selection by Kiera Cass.  I'm also reading Elena Ferrante's My Brilliant Friend, which I'm sure I'm going to fall in love with, and The Red Pencil by Andrea Davis Pinkney.  I've never read a book about Darfur. This one has me attached to the characters from the first moments.  The line drawings are by Shane W. Evans, and I love them.

This is one of those magical Mondays off.  There's no school. I'm planning to spend the morning reading and writing and maybe visiting the photo booth for my hideous skin condition.  I'll work out, clean a little bit, take the kids to some hockey lessons, and watch the Bachelor.

Could things get any better?  Probably not today.

The weekend proper was pretty good, too.  For instance, Mac has noticed that he's getting taller.

"Let's measure," he said, standing in front of me with his little chin pointed slightly up.

I gave a rough estimate, holding my hand at chest-level as he stepped back to check out his progress.

"I'm up to your breasts!" he announced.

He is, in fact, up to my breasts.  Good work, kid.

Two things at an end.  #1: The Hiatus.  I tried to be a blogger on hiatus, and I hate it.  I don't think hiatus is the way to go.  It's bad for my creativity, bad for my writing, bad for my connections with pals.  It's just generally bad.

#2: The Bachelorette.  I might have to go on Hiatus from watching it, in order to replace my other Hiatus. It's so terrible.  I hate it.  I used to love to hate it, and now it's just kind of making me feel bad about myself.

One thing at a beginning:

#3: UnReal.  This is a scripted show about The Bachelor, behind-the-scenes.  I'm 10 minutes in, and I love it.  I feel like it might be a better choice than watching the actual Bachelorette. I'm not on Hiatus from watching UnReal.

It's time to watch The Bachelor finale. These are three hours of my life I'll never get back. Still, as much as I want to walk away, I'm drawn to the carnage.

I wrote those last two sentences two hours ago, and I'm still watching.

I hate myself, and I hate this show.

I have been doing more "meditating in a moment," with some good success. I'd like to do a whole 20 minutes tonight, though. Maybe before bed. Before sleep and after comment writing. Also after reading. I'm trying to read a lot.

I'm always trying to do a lot of stuff. I want to do all of the stuff, but sometimes it seems like a lot.

One thing I love to do, but that makes me hate myself is watching The Bachelor. Last night was worse than ever. This show is definitely not worth my time and definitely makes me stupider. And yet.

Because those hilarious recaps by Greg Bausch inspired this whole challenge, I decide to write a Bachelor recap in his style.  I set up by opening a Word doc in addition to my usual Twitter home page.  In between Tweets, I frantically type notes on the doc.  This makes me completely useless as a conversationalist.  I sweat a little under the pressure of recording an accurate timeline, in addition to my reactions and funny quotes from the gallery of watchers at my house.

Basically I'm frantically working, stressing out about everything all the time.  How can I balance plot and critique?  How many direct quotes can I capture from the women?  Why isn't anyone faving or RTing me?

Finally, Chris Harrison says that "if we're ready" it's time for the final rose.  I hate how he says, "If you're ready," because obviously the Bach or Bach-ette has to give the rose regardless of being ready.  No time to think too hard about that, though, because I have a new problem: When will I have time to write and publish?  I have to go to bed immediately after the show, obvi.  Next morning, I wake up at the crack of dawn and start writing, and I'm filled with self doubt. It's not funny.  It's too similar to my mentor text. I'm focusing on the wrong details. I'm not good at writing Bachelor recaps.  In the end, I've spent 45 minutes on it, and I'm still not done.

I begin to realize that writing Bachelor recaps in the style of Greg Bausch doesn't really fit in to my schedule.  I'm going to have to limit the recaps to shorter, less complicated events.  That's the sad truth.  My amazing journey is over, and the Bachelor is just not the right medium for me.

It's a Recap Challenge.

Do you know what I mean?  A recap is like a witty retelling of something that happened. There are tons of recapping blogs, where people write snarky summaries of television shows.  Recently, Pronto introduced me to the most hilarious Bachelor recapper, Greg Bauch. When I read his funny paragraphs, I wish I had written those funny paragraphs myself.   To be fair, ABC has given Greg a lot to work with by staging the one of the worst/best seasons of The Bachelor ever.

Anyway, I've decided that I will try recapping, and maybe some other people will, too.  Here are the guidelines:

1. During the month of February, you should write 10 recaps.
2. The recaps can be about media or just events from real life.  Like today I could write a recap of 7th Grade Poetry Night, which was awesome.
3. We should comment on each others' recaps with supportive sentiments.

Why don't we just try it?  It might be terrible and hard to write, but who cares.  Push the envelope!

I know nothing about the Arizona DIAMONDBACKS; however, I know a lot about the DIAMONDS that Chris Harrison pulled out of his pocket on After the Final Rose tonight. Just another example of the manipulation game that is the Bachelor franchise.

OMG. My addiction to The Bachelor is so horrifying, and yet, I'm 100% committed. I've already had a couple of requests for a premiere party for the next season of Bachelorette. Let's be real: I'm probably going to do it. I can't let the Bachelorette down. And I can't not be there for my friends the way Ben was not there for Courtney when he found out that she is really an evil person that everyone was right about except for him.

Anyway.

Arizona. Did you know my mom has been living there for two and-a-half months? She'll be there for awhile longer, and then she'll come back here. It'll be about time. I'm not sure if she's seen any DIAMONDBACKS games, but I do know that a person gets used to living in the same city as her mother after 34 years. A person would like to continue this proximity, just so you know.

I picked the San Francisco GIANTS today because San Francisco is apparently close to Sonoma, where Bachelor Ben has his winery.

Tomorrow night, we're having a small party of GIANT significance, as our friends join us to see the magical journey of The Bachelor through. I'm supes pumped, ttytt. We're even having a Team Lindzi cocktail and a Team Courtney cocktail at the party.

"But who would be on Team Courtney?" Claire asked suspiciously.

Well, maybe no one; but maybe someone will want her bourbon-based cocktail?!

I'm not going to say too much, but after viewing several mainstream magazine covers and, of course, watching the show, it's pretty clear what's going to happen here. And, likewise, it's pretty obvious that Ben is probably not going to enter into a relationship that will last a lifetime. Especially not with someone who says really mean things all the time and goes topless on national television.

You've seen this, right?



You can't really imagine she's ready for marriage, can you?! We'll see what happens After the Final Rose. It's sure to be a GIANT time.

We're way into The Bachelor here. However, I have so much work to do that I've been multitasking constantly while watching. For instance, this week, I'm getting observed three times in a row. They want to see the arc of my teaching. They also decided to visit my least well-behaved class. So, I feel a little nerve-wracked to tell the truth. Today's lesson went fine, so here's hoping the next two are fine, as well.

The good news? We're going on a field trip tomorrow to a play that sounds great. It's called 1968. It's at the History Theater. Maybe you want to go too? Check it out at the History Theater in St. Paul. Erin's here (she's here for Ben AND she works for our beautiful capital city), and she says The Minnesota History Center is a "treasure trove of the best of our great state."

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