Monday, April 18, 2016

Hockey Mom Blues

Who put these pads on him? Seriously? Who did it?

To be perfectly honest, I'm tempted to write the three reasons never to let your child learn to ice skate. That would be so easy. The reasons are: hockey, hockey, and then the potential that your child wants to be a hockey goalie.

Finished. And I think we're all clear.

However, just in case you're like me and you failed to implement my first set of advices, I'll now offer some tips to survive hockey, specifically, hockey goalie parenting. I'm not going to suggest a flask, Xanax, or other injectable mood-altering drugs. This is a family-friendly website, after all, and I don't even know how to purchase injectable (or oral suspension or tablet) mood-altering drugs.

So instead of those things:

  • Try a mantra.  As you're watching the game and you feel your blood pressure and cortisol rising, repeat a soothing phrase.  I've tried, "It's just hockey" and "They're seven."  To be honest, this strategy has been only marginally effective on it's own.  It works better in concert with other strategies.  
  • Take frequent bathroom and drink breaks.  Don't bring a water bottle.  Instead, leave your seat a couple of times per period to get drinks from the fountain.  Something about moving your feet dissipates the palpable stress that builds for me during hockey games, especially when my darling little angel is in the net.
  • Try hypnotherapy.  I haven't done this yet, but as I'm typing it, I'm feeling quite sure that it's the answer.  I recently read a novel wherein the main character was a hypnotherapist, and she was able to mitigate all sorts of emotional imbalances for her clients.  Surely, a real live hypnotherapy professional could help me watch youth hockey?
If you've never accidentally registered your child for an elite 7 year-old hockey team, you might be like, what is wrong with her that she needs these tips to watch elementary school kids play a flippin' game?!  All I can say is, I totally understand your questions, and I don't have a solid answer for you.


Unknown said...

you're such a #goodwriter

LH said...

I've never done that, but there were other sports that gave me fits.
Lacrosse in high school could get me stirred up.

I like the hypnotherapy idea. I want some of that.

Anonymous said...

This is so funny and heartfelt! Love it! Mom